Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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