I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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