If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
