The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
