im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
