I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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