just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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