Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
