I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
