If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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