She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
