in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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