The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
we made out on top of his cat.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
