you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
