I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
