4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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