Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
