No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
