I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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