respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
