Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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