My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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