Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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