you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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