you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
