You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
