If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm at about main and main street
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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