like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
