I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
