I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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