I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
