So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
