So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
