i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
