i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
