I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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