her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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