You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
