and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
