My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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