life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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