Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
