You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
