well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
and she was petting her beer can
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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