this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
