My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
