Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
