im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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