I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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