its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
