Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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