She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
